Introduction
Brief review of setting. One of Paul's main concerns for these new Christians
is that they learn to love one another. He praises them for their “labor
of love” (1:3); he prays that God will cause them to increase and
abound in their love for one another (3:12); he both praises and exhorts
them on this (4:9,10). And in 5:14, he gives them some very practical
instruction on how to do this (read).
Last time, we explored the meaning of encouragement—what it is,
why it is important, and how to express it. Tonight, I want to do the
same thing with admonition.
What is admonition?
The Greek word usually translated “admonish” is noutheteo,
which means literally “to place on one's mind.” It is also translated
“counsel,” “warn,” and “instruct.” It is
part of a group of words (see 2 Timothy 4:2b) that range from correcting
the ignorant to rebuking the obstinate. Here's my shot at a working definition:
Biblical admonition is moral correction through verbal confrontation
motivated by genuine love.
Like encouragement, admonition seeks to express God's love by communicating
his truth to meet an important need. But unlike encouragement, which
seeks to strengthen those under pressure through no fault of their own
(“the fainthearted”), admonition seeks to correct those who
are damaging themselves and others by their wrong moral choices (“the
unruly”).
There are a whole spectrum of ways one might admonish, ranging from
a gently raised question to a very forceful rebuke. Later, we will consider
some of the variables that go into how to deliver an admonition, but
first let's consider another question.
Why is admonition so unpopular in our culture?
I don't think admonition has ever been popular in any culture, because
no one likes being corrected. But it is virtually taboo in our
culture in a way that may be unprecedented. Why is this? There are several
factors.
Partly because many dysfunctional families and religious groups have
abused it. If you have been humiliated or excessively punished, the chances
are you have a knee-jerk reaction against admonition because you relate
it to these abuses.
But all cultures have always had abuse of admonition—yet they aren't
as antagonistic toward admonition as our culture is. This is because our
culture is imbued with two other values that are especially inimical to
admonition.
Radical individualism: We emphasize individual freedom and rights
over community and individual responsibilities. In this context, most
admonition is seen as intrusive and confining.
Moral relativism: Most Americans now reject the idea of universal,
absolute moral standards. Because of this, there simply is no basis
for moral correction. Except in the most extreme cases of criminal activity,
to admonish someone else is to judge him, to be intolerant, etc.
The great irony in all this is that even as Americans insist on these
two values, we complain about loneliness and failure in close relationships.
But don't you see the connection? You simply can't have closeness
without trust, and trust is rooted in knowing that we are both under
a higher moral standard to which we both willingly submit. You will
have only intimidation, or manipulation, or alienation.
This is precisely why Christians have a basis for real community and
successful close relationships (Colossians 3:16). We stand under
God's moral law rather than being a law unto ourselves. And we know that
his moral law is an expression of his goodness, so we can call each other
to account out of loving concern. If we have God's Word to inform us
and God's love to motivate us, we have the resources to effectively admonish
one another.
And so here is an excellent index of your involvement with other Christians:
Are you involved enough with some Christian friends that they have admonished
you over the past several months? Are you involved enough with them that
you have admonished them over the past several months? I don't want to
imply that this should characterize the tone of your relationships. There
should usually be lots more encouragement than admonition. But in healthy
Christian community, there is admonition as needed. Do you have this
in your relationships with other Christians? If not, you are missing a
crucial component for your own spiritual development, and you are betraying
your friends (PUSH HOME GROUPS).
This is a crucial element in the healthy community (and consequent spiritual
fruit) that we enjoy here in Xenos. I for one am zealous to maintain this
ethic, rather than being conformed to our culture like so many other western
churches . . .
Getting the most out of admonition
For the rest of our time, let's talk about how to put admonition into
practice. Let's start with how to get the most out of admonition . . .
Consciously filter admonition through God's grace instead of interpreting
it as personal rejection. None of us really enjoys being corrected.
Even in the best scenario, it is a little embarrassing and painful. But
for some of us more than others, it feels like personal rejection that
threatens our very identity. This happens if we are unable to distinguish
between our behavior and who we are as persons. Those who have had abusive
authority figures have special difficulty making this distinction. Such
people hear correction through this grid and feel they have to reject
it in order to survive. This is unfortunate, since they will only experience
more pain by rejecting valid reproof.
Here is where the person who lives under God's grace has a real advantage.
If you know the most important Person will never reject you, you can
receive correction without being devastated. If you know that God's
discipline is an expression of his love (Hebrews 12:5-6), you need
not fear it and you can profit from it. Have you received God's grace
by receiving Christ? . . .
On this basis, we need to look for the truth in the admonition rather
than looking for excuses to reject it. This, of course, runs directly
counter to our natural reaction. Instantly and creatively, I create all
kinds of reasons to discredit and reject rebuke: “How dare he say
that to me when he has all kinds of sins!” “Since he was wrong
about this small related matter, I am justified in rejecting everything
he said!” “I can't believe how insensitively she said that!"
Maturing Christians still have these reactions, but they have learned
to mistrust them and not act on them. Instead, they go to God and prayerfully,
humbly consider the validity of the admonition (in light of God's Word)—because
they want to mature more than they want to preserve their own egos.
If you insist on receiving admonition only directly from God, or only
from perfect people (or from people who deliver it perfectly), you will
remain a fool for the rest of your life (read Proverbs 12:1; 15:32;
17:10)! We have to get to the point where we can profit from correction
from imperfect people, and where we value admonition as the sacrifice
of love that it is.
And this is why we need to thank friends who love you enough to admonish
you rather than making them pay. I'm not talking about thanking people
for abusing you. I'm talking about friends who love you enough to tell
you the truth even when it is painful to hear. Solomon says that wise
people realize how valuable this resource is (read Proverbs 9:8;
27:5,6).
When your friends think about admonishing you, do they see a RED
LIGHT (“Stop right there!”)? a YELLOW LIGHT (“Proceed
at your own risk & with extreme caution!”)? or a GREEN LIGHT
(“Come on ahead—I trust your love & value your input.”)?
You can teach people not to do this because they will have to pay too
great of a price. But the one who really loses is you as you distance
yourself from God's help and healthy closeness with people who really
care.
Many marriages are up on blocks because of this. This is especially
important in marriage, which is why a key index for couples considering
marriage is this: Are you both able to give and receive admonition to
and from each other?
Principles of effective
admonition
Admonishing others is sacrificial love, because it costs you emotional
energy and because (especially today) you are often risking your relationship
with the other person in order to help him. You do it because you are
committed to the other person's welfare more than you are to their treatment
of you. There is no formula for effective admonition because it involves
persons and has so many variables: the seriousness of the issue, the history
of your relationship, their level of spiritual maturity, the history of
your discussion about this issue, etc. But there are biblical principles
that will help us to become increasingly effective in this area. Here
are a few of the most important principles.
Prayerfully prepare beforehand instead of reacting impulsively. Spontaneous
admonition is rarely effective because we are usually reacting in anger.
James warns us that “the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness
of God” (James 1:20). Correcting in unrighteous anger forfeits
moral authority and calls for a prompt apology. Take the time to pray
for the right attitude, perspective and wisdom, God's empowering and conviction,
etc. You may even want to get advice . . .
Admonition is usually most effective in private and face-to-face.
Jesus says, “If your brother sins, reprove him in private (Matthew 18:15).”
Privacy is important because it makes it easier for the other person to
not react defensively than if you correct in front of other people. Face-to-face
is important because you can read and ensure accurate communication. For
this reason, email is usually a poor medium for admonition. It makes it
easier for you to be harsh (because you don't have to face the person),
and it makes it more difficult to ensure accurate communication (because
it can't include non-verbals and you have to wait for a reply).
Be direct and specific rather than vague, sarcastic, judging motives,
etc. Don't say, “I want to talk to you about something serious
next week.” If I say to my wife, “Boy, you've sure been compassionate
lately!” I'm not off to a good start. My content was vague and my
tone was cutting and sarcastic. At best, she will not know what I'm getting
at. At worst, she will react defensively in the same way. But if she says
to me, “I'd like to talk to you about your harshness with the kids
lately,” the conversation is focused and we can probably get somewhere.
If I say, “I know you said that to hurt Bill,” I have arrogantly
judged her motives and needlessly aggravated the situation. If instead
I say, “Could we talk about what you said to Bill?” I'll probably
get a lot farther.
Ground your correction in God's Word. Paul says "All scripture
is inspired by God, and profitable for . . . reproof,
for correction . . ." (2 Timothy 3:16).
This is important for several reasons. The goal is not simply to terminate
poor behavior, but to help the person form proper convictions before God—and
this requires understanding his Word. Also, God's Word has power to penetrate
and convict that our personality and intelligence will never have. Finally,
when we appeal to scripture, we are making it clear that we are not arrogating
a position of superiority because we also are under God's authority.
Be as strong as necessary—but also be empathetic and constructive.
Depending on many factors (the seriousness of the issue; how many times
you have talked about it; etc.), you may need to express yourself with
enough emotional volume to make your point (NATHAN WITH DAVID). But if
you do this, find a way to express empathy so you can't be easily dismissed
as self-righteous. And whenever possible, be ready with some practical
suggestions for help as soon as the other person expresses a willingness
to change. This is what Paul emphasizes in Galatians 6:1 (read).
Except for very severe situations, don't insist on immediate compliance—give
time for reflection, God's conviction, etc. Sometimes, because I have
screwed up the courage to correct someone, I want to “go for the
pin” in that conversation so I can be done with the situation. When
this is the case, I am focused on my own relief rather than on doing what
it takes to help the other person to grow. This is why Paul reminds us
to exercise patience when we admonish (2 Timothy 4:2). It usually
takes us some time to get past the initial bristling of our egos to hear
God's voice. In most cases, if we're getting a lot of resistance and argument,
it's better to say something like “Why don't you take some time to
think and pray about this—and we then we can finish our conversation?”
Is it worth it?
Is it worth it to receive admonition with humility—even when everything
within you cries to reject it? Is it worth it to admonish others with
as much prayer and wisdom and patience effectively as possible—even
when everything within you would rather write them off or make them pay?
It depends on what you value most. If your highest priority is your own
comfort or autonomy, it is definitely not worth it. But if you value spiritual
integrity before God and genuinely healthy relationships with others,
it's worth every sacrifice you make!
Let's end by listening to the testimony of someone who experienced just
how valuable this kind of admonition really is—BRUE HOYT VIDEO.